As a graduate student in psychology, I see several themes on mental and physical well being reoccur. The importance of social relationships in our lives is one of these themes. Research suggests that happiness levels are linked with the quality and quantity of our social relationships. PBS is soon airing a special on Happiness entitled “The Meaning of Happiness.” In the special, best selling author Elizabeth Gilbert shares some thoughts on happiness and relationships…
“Schopenhauer a pessimist philosopher has a theory of human relationships that was about porcupines, and used that as a metaphor. What he said was that, in love and in relationships with spouses, friends, our family because we are so uncomfortable with our emotions we are all like porcupines out on a cold winters night. They get cold and they need to huddle together to create warmth and connection and then they prick each other, because they have these horrible spines and its painful and so in order to avoid the pain, they retreat. Then it gets cold again and they come together and then they get spined, so then they retreat, then they come together, then they retreat. This dance of intimacy is what defines our relationships with everybody that we encounter. A need to be close, that’s followed by a need to be separated in order to protect ourselves from the inevitable hurt that happens when we get too close. Schopenhauer didn’t have much of a remedy for that, he didn’t think that was ever going to end. He sought of saw that as a need to our human nature. What he suggested was that those who had learned to generate their own warmth were able to keep the safest distance from the other porcupines, which didn’t necessarily mean living a life of isolation. It just meant not impaling yourself on other people so that you could have that critical little space in which to be a little bit self contained to create your own warmth, your own sense of your own humanity so that you can be close without being stabbed. The path to that is the closest secret to human happiness as anything I have ever heard.”
I believe happiness is related to the relationships we have with friends, family, significant others, coworkers, mentors, teammates, and ourselves. Our own psychological immune system relies on these working relationships. That is, our mental well-being relies on our ability to find and fall back on emotional support from others. This is evident whenever we head into an emotional tailspin due to a terrible day - getting rejected on a job interview or failing an important exam. We reach out to family and friends for support. Our biological immune system also relies on our relationships. In recent animal studies conducted by Dr. P McCabe at the University of Miami, the neurotransmitter oxytocin, which reduces oxidative cell damage, is actually associated with affiliation & social behavior. This implies that with a higher degree of social affiliation (or more supportive relationships), our bodies may produce more oxytocin, which contributes to a more healthy and longer life. This suggests there are real health benefits to relationships.
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